A hesitation

I can see the sadistic gun god is pointing at me, nice and clear। i realized that he could end my sorry existence any time he liked with just a pull of a trigger and all the insanities, merriment, anxieties and above all dreams, dreams of my past and dreams i hope to dream in future rushed to my head like a herd of panicky civilians dropped in a war , urging me to act begging me to do something for the sake of years i spend with their surreal lives but all i can give them is condolences. What can i do anyway ? i could have sprunged in a moment of glory to snatch the gun from him and be a god myself but in that case, he would shoot me surely if i failed to give him the surprise i hoped for. I decided to play it safe , not to enrage the almighty cause I was scared of his wrath. i have failed and it's a failure that lived with me every day and night but it's only now , at this hour of judgment, i can feel it's cold unsympathetic skin. i could have acted and become a martyr but instead i decided to live a slow and painful death.